There
is a wonderful and valuable teaching that comes from the First Peoples of
western Canada.
This
is good medicine for anyone who is in a helping role, whether by circumstance
or profession.
This
story has to do with the women’s moon lodge…
The
moon lodge was a time set aside for women… the monthly gathering during the
menstrual cycle.
During
this time, it was believed that a woman was more sensitive to spiritual
realities.
It
was a special time for soul-searching, prayer and reflection. It was also a time of rest in keeping
with
the cycles of nature.
There,
one could seek advice from the other women of the tribe.
Mothers,
daughters, wives and elders were taught many things through stories and songs.
One
such gathering involves the ‘talking feather’.
A
talking feather is passed around the circle of women. One by one the women hold the feather.
As
she holds the talking feather, she may share an experience or talk about a
problem she is having.
While
she is holding the feather, everyone else listens silently and without
interruption.
When
she is finished speaking, she will lay the feather down.
The
women in the group will consider her words and offer their wisdom to her.
It
is hoped that she will take their good advice to heart and act upon it.
Then
the feather passes on to the next woman.
But
an interesting thing happens if a woman returns to the lodge month after month
with the same complaint and problems...
If
she returns with the same complaints 3 times, the other women simply and
silently rise up
and move the circle to
the other side of the lodge.
They
leave her to sit alone to think about her errors and they reconvene without her.
They
do not shun her, but they show her that they will not waste any further advice
and wisdom on her.
When
they give of their time and attention and offer their wisdom, there should be
something to show for it.
If
she is not doing her part and simply comes to complain again and again, she is
not worthy of their further involvement.
When
she makes use of their advice and resolves her problem, she returns to the
circle
and takes her place with the women once more.
I
have a Taoist Chinese friend who taught me something valuable along these lines...
He said that not only are we to give, but
that it is equally important to give wisely.
We
have a spiritual bank account in terms of our actions or deeds in life.
When we do a good thing in a good way, we
add to our bank account.
But
if we give unwisely, not only do we not add to our bank account, but we suffer
loss.
If
we pay closer attention to these matters, we can actually feel the loss or the
gain.
If
we give to a relative or friend and the outcome is wholesome, we have a
sense of enrichment.
But
if the outcome will not be good, we correspondingly feel a sensation of sadness, worry, irritation
or even resentment.
We
have to ‘make’ ourselves do what we would rather not.
We try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but we get hurt repeatedly when they
fail to live up to our expectations.
Generally,
time goes on to prove us right… again and again.
We
may try to rationalize to ourselves that we gave in a good spirit and that the
outcome is not our concern, but we still suffer loss.
A
good rule of thumb that I have learned from Spirit is to wait. Sleep on it.
Give it some thought... Weigh the options... Meditate... Ask for guidance.
Test
your feelings in response to the idea of saying yes and saying no.
You
will know in the pit of your stomach what feels good or ill.
That
is your inner guidance come to assist you, whether your mind understands fully
or not.
“Trust
your gut” is always appropriate. The
understanding will follow in time.
Even
when you feel it is alright to give...always wait. Never assume.
People and situations are always changeable.
On the importance of waiting… NO business that demands or urges a decision
“right now”
is ever good business. It doesn't matter if it's a car, a loan, a hot date or a business deal.
It
is a hustle, plain and simple and should be rejected immediately.
When
you do give, give a little….and wait before giving more.
Wait to see what effect it will have on the
recipient.
Will
that person pay you back or be responsible for what you gave, be it advice,
money, friendship?
Or
will they show themselves to be a little less than trustworthy? Make excuses?
Ask for more?
Has
your gift helped them or has it made them more reliant on your energy or
resources?
Is it bringing out the best in the person or the worst?
For
your own sake, as well as for the other person, you must be honest about what is
happening.
If
the effect is not good- bow out immediately.
Do not let guilt or manipulation sink its
hooks any deeper into you.
Your
guilt or theirs-it doesn’t matter.
Do not be bullied into explaining yourself beyond a simple sentence or two.
Ideally, a “yes” or “no” should do, but it may take time to get that clear and strong.
If you mean it, they will get the picture. If you waver, they will sense that, too, and move in for the kill.
Extricate
the hook, the person and the situation for everyone’s sake.
That is often the
best real help that can be offered.
This
is another way of moving the circle....
They can receive the help or not...
That is for them to work out... You have done your part.
